Self-acceptance has been my intention this year. No small thing for me. I have ranted , raved and shook my fist at the world, wanting, wanting, wanting things to be different from what they are. My body. My face. My personality. My circumstances. My beloveds. My space. My world. My God. But this has created a consequence of anxiety as a constant companion. And awkwardness. And dissonance. And victim "poor me" living. And a pushing away of many, many gifts. Not an easy place to live.
I wanted this year to be different.
I first heard the very wise advise to practice loving myself 10 years ago but I found it so repulsive and untrue a concept that I was unable to do it. I have had to take the very windy rambling alternative route to this practice. So 10 years later, I am gently trying this on for size:
I love and accept myself as I am.
There is a second requirement though.
I love and accept this moment as it is.
Eckhardt Tolle says:
This gets me out of victim and helps me to claim my power and sense of choice in the moment, to be in my body and feel what I want to feel. It puts me back in the drivers seat of my life. I am in charge of what my life feels like. It gets me to my Core Desired Feelings (another time perhaps) and reaches past my ego and my head and into my heart and soul, where authenticity resides. And joy. And peace.
So, 6 months into this experiment of mine, I can see that I am less anxious, more aware, more in my body, more present, less vacated, less victim, less people-pleasing and really getting to do stuff I don't normally "have time" to do. Its a small miracle.
And when I am not feeling so zen, there's this:
So I have manged to break down what this big fancy concept of surrender means. It means loving and accepting myself and the moment as it is. Its a gentle shift from victim to choice. From head to heart. Its listening and honouring myself "above the noise of other people's opinions" (Brene Brown).
My daily intention of:
I love and accept myself as I am
I love and accept this moment as it is
I live and create from a place of love, acceptance and wholeheartedness
For my highest good
So be it
And so it is
...is just a daily repetition. And then when I am hit with self-doubt, or late for a meeting, or fighting with my family, or myself....I simply repeat the first 2 lines until I feel the gentle shift inside me from powerlessness to a loving, expanded sense of power or a gentle softening around the hard edge of self-judgment or a physical sense of peace in my body.
There are other options....
I find that the first 2 choices only become apparent, though, when I have gone through the process of acceptance. When I love and accept....only then I can feel what needs to happen next, like remove myself or change it the way I want to change it. From an authentic space.