Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Five Love Languages


Dr Gary Chapman is the amazing author of The Five Languages of Love, an international bestseller that describes the different ways in which people love and feel loved.  Often couples do not speak the same language and so both parties rattle around feeling unloved or demonstrate love in their love language but not their partners and feel very confused when their partner says "You don't love me anymore".  This is true also for other relationships such as parent-child relationships and friendships.

He says there are 5 ways in which we can feel loved and demonstrate love to another.  We have aspects of all 5 languages in us but if our primary and secondary love language requirements are met, then our inner Love Tank is full and life feels good.  And I am all about feeling good this year!

So the 5 languages are:

1.  Words of Affirmation eg Thank you for that lovely dinner. I love the way you take care of the kids.  You do a wonderful job.
2. Acts of Service eg washing the dishes, taking out the rubbish, useful practical helpful acts
3. Receiving Gifts eg thoughtful wrapped presents
4. Quality Time eg date situation where you have your others' undivided attention, a walk, chat with eye contact
5. Touch eg massage, hug, foot rub, fingers through the hair, affection, sex

But, please, read more on his official website and take advantage of his free workbooks. The Five Languages of Love Website

I taught these concepts to a 9-year-old girl who was then able to figure out that her family loved her in their own languages.  She put together a presentation on PowerPoint after that and taught her family how to show her love in her own language!!  They were blown away.  And this concept, along with Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis model of communication, she was better able to communicate her needs effectively to her family.  

Transactional Analysis reminds us that the most effective way to communicate with anyone, is from your adult self, the responsible part of you that is open and willing to compromise where necessary and appeals to the adult nature of the other party.  When we feel the victim of our circumstances, we are in child mode and when we are criticizing the other party, we are in parent mode.  We can often move seamlessly from child to parent many times in one conversation as the parent brings the child out in the other party and the child brings out the parent in the other.  Interesting.  And very effective.  This model helps us to build self-awareness and often we become aware of these traits in our partners or children first before we become aware of it in ourselves.  After all, its much easier to blame someone else for your miseries, rather than take responsibility for them yourself!!  I know, I do it all the time!

But this little girl took these rather adult concepts and ran with them.  So if she can improve her relationships at such a young age I am sure we can too.

Take the test and find our which is your love language and the love language of the significant others in your families.  Teach people how to love you.  Here are the links:

One of Dr Phil's 10 Top Ten Life Laws is this: "Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.

Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling " and then get their way " you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior. 

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt."  Dr Phil's Link

So take the test today and see what you can do to improve your relationships and fill your love tank at the same time! And as Dr Gary Chapman says: "When we feel loved by people significant to us, life is beautiful."


  1. ui ui, this throws some light on my past relationship (and it's failings). xxx

  2. it for an emotional connection because she was not looking at all three axes separately.