The depth of my pain as a 12-year-old was rooted in my thinking and specifically in my thinking that I was separate from my family, my comfort zone, from being loved, from being supported, from being known, from something I could as yet not articulate. It lead to the beginnings of depression. And so I blamed boarding school for my unhappiness for decades. I have worked through a lot of my stuff - enough to realise that my beliefs, my thinking was the root cause of my misery, my self-destruction. I was not aware of a greater energy source beyond my humanity connecting me to everyone, everything. I believed I was alone, very alone, so alone I was desolate. A dark place that creates a funk around your brain. I felt it as clouds around my head that misted any clear thought or insight. I felt stupefied. I drifted around in my head cut off from the bright clear reality of miracles and beauty that surrounds us always. For years.
I suppose I was afraid yesterday that my son would befall the same fate. I put my stuff on him. Then I realised he has different thought patterns to me. He believes differently. And when he stumbles, I don't need to DO anything. I can counsel him to become aware of his thoughts and its his choice to change his perspective or not. I need to remind myself that I am not a victim in my life and neither is he. We are powerful beings creating the worlds we perceive with every thought we have from moment to moment.
And we can ask for help. We are not alone, we humans who are part of an intricate, loving social network. We love to help others. And so yesterday, I asked for help often. People were pleased to be asked! Privileged almost. I don't know why it is something I find difficult to do. I am aware that I need to increase my trust in others and the universe. I need to believe that I am well taken care of, well loved and part of a whole that likes to be useful, helpful and kind.
Cameron Dias is well-known for thinking that she lives in a "friendly world". That's how she handles all the attention she gets for being famous. She changed her thinking from victim of excruciatingly invasive paparazzi attention to "everyone is SO friendly that they want to carry my bag, take my photo, sign an autograph...". Its a lovely re-framing of her world. I am inspired.
And yesterday was proof of that, not only in the physical and emotional support given to us, but also in the believe that I am part of a whole, a loving supportive whole, that all I need to do is ask and receive it. I felt cushioned as a result of my asking the One, God, Universe, Love and I was rewarded my many earth angels delivering the love. Thank you.
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